Can’t Get a Hot Gal? You Can Blame Museveni


Now I know how ridiculous lots of you think this proposition is, but please stay with me. This is going to be a long slog.


The science is finally out. Women with Big Bums have smarter kids than those with small bums. You can look it up, ICYMI. According to University of Pittsburgh scientists that conducted the study, curvier women give birth to smarter kids because the development of babies’ brains depends on fat supplies that are located in their moms’ posteriors and thighs, and the amount stored there might directly impact a kid’s intelligence. Bingo!

As any man in Museveni’s economy knows, getting such a woman will cost you. A lot. Of. Money. Or a bit of it, to put it more charitably. And money is damn difficult to have in Museveni’s Uganda. Unless of course you are privileged to be a descendant of 1% of Uganda’s population, our ruling elite.

You see in Uganda, the rest of us work and the money goes to them. They have free reign in raiding state coffers to steal with abandon.  They are the only ones doing profitable business as rent-seeking, state capture and other predatory and corrupt economic shenanigans ensure that they get all government contracts at an inflated cost. Corruption ensures they own all the real estate in town with apartments that are empty because you can’t afford to rent them.

And that means they have the preserve of access to the curvy, bootylicious women referenced in the study above. Which means they have exclusive rights to siring smart offsprings so the good stuff exclusively stay  in theses close-knit, kleptomaniac families.

Mr. Museveni’s government which has fostered this inequality therefore can be blamed, at least in part, for this lack of a fair shake in pursuit of love.

Oxfam recently launched a report on inequality in Uganda and warned of the dangers of the widening gulf between the rich and the poor. Just 20% of Ugandans own 70% of the country’s wealth. The World Bank too has warned of the disaster that’s coming if inequality in Uganda is not tackled. Now, this is not a uniquely Ugandan phenomenon of course. It’s a global trend. For example, just 8 men own as much wealth as that of half the world population! The combined wealth of Nigeria’s five richest men – $29.9 billion – could end extreme poverty in that country according to a new report published by Oxfam this year.

How does inequality breed discontent, and ultimately conflict? First it starts with simple feelings of jealousy and envy caused by this lack of equal shot at opportunities. A guy you went to school with who probably wasn’t better than you academically easily gets a job because of who his daddy is or knows. He buys a car, moves into a cool apartment, marshals assets, while you, at 35 are still restless on your ass, living with the old man. Your friend has married, has kids, property and is on a fast-track. With 93% graduate unemployment in Uganda according to a recent government survey, your prospects aren’t great. This discontent grows.

The other is more structural. You’ve got a ka-job alright, but maybe you are a bank teller so you earn UGX 1million a month. You save for 10 years to buy a 50×100 plot of land in Kyanja. Someone working in statehouse comes and is offering to buy the whole village at 20times you and your friends were offering. Rigged out, you go looking farther into the bushes of rural Mukono where land is still cheaper. Even if you build there, there are no social services that have yet reached there, no roads, hospital, schools. Lotsa girls I know don’t like to sleep over in such environments. An apartment in Ntinda would be faaar better for her to stay, or at least a bungalow in Kiwatule. Not in Kyawagoonya Jomayi Estate Phase II. Cummon!

So you are even rigged out socially and romantically, and the the simmering tensions continue.

The second scenario is this one. You share a crush on some crushingly beautiful woman  with this privileged one percenter. She has those attributes. Nice figure, with great background . Your odds of winning such a contest are next to zero!(I am amazed at the evolution of the concept of beauty in Uganda lately. Not since the days of Sarah Baartman has a woman’s bottom been such symbol of awe and craze. I don’t know who to blame for ‘booty’ becoming a cultural sensation in beauty politics around the world. Kim Kardashian? Alicia Keys? Shakira? Can you imagine the word Botox didn’t even exist a few years ago but It’s now a sprawling industry?!)

Sorry for digressing.

What I was saying is that economically disempowered men are being denied romantic opportunities, a misfortune that is driving them crazy. You need to google the ‘incel movement’ to know what I am talking about.  ‘incel’ means ‘involuntary celibate’, guys that,  simply put,  can’t get laid despite their desire and efforts to get laid. They are now getting violent, a terrible worst case scenario outcome.

What I am saying therefore is,  this is by no means a Ugandan only problem but a global one.

If Donald Trump was a greeter at Walmart, Melania wouldn’t have married him. It’s the world folks, that’s how we roll. I know it’s not fair but what is it that you can do about it?

So now here is a conundrum you broke brother faces. You can’t afford a woman with ass so you won’t have pretty, smart kids. Odds are, you marry your kind. And you know poverty begets poverty so you can’t expect to have kids with great potential to create wealth if they weren’t born into it. A few lucky ones squeak through but they are in the minority. The cycle of poverty, as all studies out there show, is hard to break. Your odds would increase were you to marry into the 1%. But that is far too exclusive for you to get even closer. Where will you meet Sam Kutesa’s gal if you go to Kyanamukaka Community Parent’s school? She’s is in King’s College which you think is a British university.

On the contrary, the loaded 1 % can easily pick the prettiest girl for a wife or girl friend. So the smarts stay in the club. Their kids are well taken care of, and well educated. They are guarded when going to school. If you penetrate this circle, you will be arrested right away for being an impostor.

The End of Men?

When I go to social places such as churches and bars and I see the kind of humongous gadgets and bling dangling from the lil’ hands of these young women very well knowing someone paid for them, I can’t help but wonder what fate has befallen the ol’ school, traditional, well behaved, young, hardworking but broke man looking for a partner in Museveni’s Uganda or this world in general. It must be a struggle of the ages.

If intellectualism, ‘god-fearingness,’ good behaviour and even hard work (Yes! The phenomenon of the ‘working poor’ is increasing in the third world. Working but remaining in poverty due to low pay, huge dependence ratios, poor work conditions, bad governance, etc) can’t get you a good,  desirable woman these days, what hope is left for the ‘ordinary man’? (The kind that elected Donald Trump – I wonder where Uganda’s hillbillies will channel their anger since we can’t express it democratically as we have no democracy. War may be the only option)

Current preachers even warn their female followers against this kind of guy! – I once attended an open air crusade by ‘Pastor’ Robert Kayanja in Masaka in 2010 when I was doing, ironically, some rural ethnography there, where he warned women against dating broke men. “What does he have?”, the man of Gaad bellowed. “Where is his car, his house?”, he added. The Late Dr Myles Monroe made a famous sermon on relationships and marriage in which he was heavy on analogies of the garden of eden and Adam’s role as a ‘capable’ male to Eve. In his conclusion he said;

“If you meet a man who doesnt like God’s presence;

-Isnt working (93% of Uganda’s grads)

-Can’t cultivate you

-Cant protect you and

-can’t teach you;

Then it is better for that man to be alone, Fullstop!”

Well, looks like in most cases it’s the ‘not working’ that’s a game changer.

Shit, this is even true in the animal kingdom! Dragon flies, a scientist recently found, even fake death to avoid aggressive males they do not want! They don’t want to sire ‘kids’ with these do-nothing fellas who will obviously not take responsibility for the ‘children’

Many people wonder why women seek men with money. It goes back to evolution. Natural selection. Women, several studies show, because they know they bear the biggest burden  in procreation (Carrying the baby for 9 months), seek the best species, to ensure their offspring can exist in the most comfortable circumstances. Money is one of the attributes.

So, quit it broke brothers; There was a significant consideration of economic security among the factors your woman considered when settling with you. Odds are that it superseded all the others. It’s nature. So, like physical strength and other factors, money is a powerful factor in the laws of attraction. If you are the man however, the rules tend to change. It doesn’t matter how good looking you are physically, how ‘spiritual’ and ‘good a guy’ you may be. If you are broke, you are not going to get, and keep, a hot woman. Economic vulnerability is not sexy at all. In fact, it is antithetical to your physical attributes. It reduces their significance. Significantly. King Kong, if he has the right money, will call your dream woman bae before you have a chance to even look at her.

In My University days, I noted a strange occurrence in my social circles. We fellas in the social sciences tended to have a hard time getting girlfriends. Our friends in the natural sciences however, were always overbooked. One would be juggling 4-5 girls. Why, I asked one friend doing Civil Engineering one day. He had no idea. Maybe they think science dudes are smarter he said. I challenged him saying there could be more sinister reasons. While we are all broke as students, I told him, his after school economic prospects, to women, are far brighter than mine who is majoring in Leisure and Hospitality Management. He was skeptical that women would employ such complicated calculus that early,  just for a love interest. I told him he was naive, underestimated even far crazier calculus that go into women’s choice of a partner and told him to read more Darwin and watch more NatGeo. Shit is crazy!

One popular subject when you speak with young men these days tend to be around why many young women these days prefer  older men.  Your corporate lady colleagues will try to state their reasons with such pained effort that you feel sorry for them. “Well, they are more mature, know what they want, treat a lady right, bla bla bla…” please try to remind them that 60 year old Mr Kangave Jeremiah, a subsistence farmer in rural Kapchorwa is also old, God fearing and mature but they aren’t going for him.  I encourage such women to quit applying sophistication to a simple issue and instead be like their simpler counterparts on Bukedde TV’s Abanoonya.  50, 60 year old men have made money so your economic future is safer with them than with a 30 year old. That, more than anything else is why you go for them. This is nothing to be ashamed of.  It’s nature, sisters, so you don’t need to be defensive. There are costs to this, alright (An old-ass 62-year old may not give you the sex that an athletic 27, 30 year old dik dik – pun intended – would give you, but that’s life. You can’t have your cake and eat it at the same time.

So is it fair to blame Museveni for this?

To some extent yes!

The Leopard has presided over the most corrupt state Uganda ever saw. You can blame Amin and Obote for killings, but these two were not anywhere as corrupt as this regime is. Uganda is now officially a kakitocracy. Mr Museveni is kept in power by this corruption. Actually to be fair to him, even if he REALLY wanted to fight it, he may fear it may bring down his regime and he’s right. Many of the his power brokers and clientelistic henchmen have grown wealthy illegally. If he cracks the whip on them, they may withdraw their support and then before you know it his power base is up in smoke. But then that’s cowardice. If he’s a statesman like he claims he is, let him take a stand. Arrest the thieves, let there be fairness in this dog-eat-dog economy, and reduce nepotism and neopatrimonialism.

That won’t solve all our problems but at least it may ensure that Emmanuel Karimunda, 26, of  Kiryandongo, also gets a good looking date to go to his B.A end of year party with.



3 thoughts on “Can’t Get a Hot Gal? You Can Blame Museveni

  1. I really enjoyed reading this. Succinctly put and bold, it shows a clear link between income inequality, corruption and romance politics. I guess it’s also important to note that things have changed, women do make their own, can stand on their own and most likely will not need to depend on a man for survival. Women are as much hustling it out in this monkey economy as much as men, therefore, naturally, they would lean more to a partner who fully complements them. Financially and beyond.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. This is probably one of my favorite articles from any Ugandan author ever. Thank you so much for the time you took to study the situation and also clarify on most of those instances


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